Stagnancy: Lack of development, advancement, or progressive movement
When water doesn’t continually move it becomes stagnant and putrid. My mantra in life is to ‘keep moving forward’ although admittedly I go through cycles of growth and stagnation.
I think of myself as two different people: the unbelievably productive person and the ‘stuck’ one. I am okay with it, I believe that if I constantly operated at full speed that I would burn out. Sometimes I catch myself resting in my lazy space a little bit longer than intended and must push myself back into the productive realm… this is one of those times in my life. (Note my last post being in August of 2016)
Understandably, I had my son in late August so resting was certainly on the menu. In addition to having a baby, I got laid off from my job on the 18th of August. In that specific period, my husband was deployed, I was working full time, pregnant and in an extremely productive phase in my life.
Then the coin flipped, my husband returned home shortly after our son was born and I was a new stay-at-home-mom. I really enjoyed it at first, but, after a few months it got boring. I was dealing with post partum depression, I was never away from my son and now, dealing with my husband’s demanding work schedule. Honestly dealing with his overwhelming job was easier on my expectations when he was deployed.
Fast forward to today. I have been unproductive for too long and am in an extremely unbalanced place. I have been acting out to get my husband’s attention and starting fights on purpose. This is an unacceptable thing to do, I know that. My behavior illustrates how dangerous it is to wallow in your lazy space for too long.
Rather than creating an enriched life outside of my husband, I have been overly dependent on him for everything, even my own self worth. I am extremely introverted and my world has completely shrunk to those within my household. Inherently, problems will result when all of your life expectations come from one person.
I can tell you as his wife, he does not like me very much right now and I cant blame him. My goal is to utilize moving to a new location to revitalize myself and to quit bugging him. He is not perfect and could prioritize family and work differently, sure. Ultimately, his job in the military is demanding and always will be, sometimes he will get lost in his work that’s just part of it.
I cannot allow myself to be consumed with resentment because of his commitment to his career. In fact, I have always admired his commitments. I believe there is a parallel of a man’s commitment level at work to his commitment level at home. One determines the other.
His commitment level aside, I still feel isolated and I realize that our family is not always his first priority. Perhaps in his heart, working to provide is showing his love, but I cannot see his unspoken intention, nor can I see his heart. He often says, ‘everything I do is for you.’
One of his love languages is Acts of Service, so if I put his cryptic puzzle pieces together, I should be able to figure out his belief that providing makes us his first priority. His schedule says otherwise, and his blind spot is not realizing the impact of his schedule on my love language– Quality Time.
‘Keep moving forward.’ Marriages always have problems. Our current problem can be fixed. The number one factor that will influence our situation is myself. If I am happy outside of my husband, his priorities would not be my sole focus in life. I would not be hyper-fixated on getting his attention and acting out to do it.
Rather than focus him, I need to be focused on me. I am the author of my own life, I love my husband but I have never needed him to provide my confidence until now. We are all imperfect and backslide. Catch yourself in the act before you act like a middle school girl to get your significant other to notice you.
I love to write, its how I often call myself out when I’m being toxic. Not everyone is a writer, some people need to talk it out, exercise, be in nature or just spend time alone marinating in thought.
Whatever your coping mechanism is, learn from my mistakes and try to use those mechanisms before you start to poison those around you. Don’t be afraid to take a knee, but don’t become knocked off balance, productivity and rest are important but too much of either is detrimental.
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